Square One

I was always smarter and faster....always one step ahead of you.

But what is one step ahead when it just takes you back to where you started?

Is it better to know, or to bask in bliss of ignorance?

Missing You

You're out of town until Friday evening and I miss you, even though I just saw you this morning. I'm so glad things have been good for the past three months. You've proven me wrong - I just hope you won't have a relapse.

This One is My Fault, and Dragon-Slaying

I got to her 'myspace,' and hers as well. I think about them more than I should, mostly when I am sitting here alone pondering what shouldn't be pondered. I always knew I was one to not let go of jealousy easily. I almost let it consume me for awhile, not it's more pedestrian..more out of curiosity. My mind just keeps wandering, and that is when I get into trouble. This jealousy is my fault.

I'm piecing together my trust again, the trust you shattered. It's bit by bit, but so far I've made steps forward. It's getting better. You haven't drank since your birthday in August. You said you did this for me, but please tell me that you have done it for yourself. I'm certainly proud of you, but I also know you haven't slayed your dragon just yet.

I used to listen to "Dragon" by Tori Amos over and over again on morning commutes back on the East coast during those dark times. The lyrics reminded me of you. I wondered if pleading to you to rid yourself of your demons would work, if my love was enough to get you to move forward. I almost prayed that it would, even though I've never been one to pray. I wondered if I could calm the dragon within you.

Stay awhile
Why don't you
Stay awhile
Stay awhile

Stay awhile
Cause your wild card Boy needs playing
Don't believe the lie
Your Dragon needs slaying

Won't you lay here with me
And I will bring
Kisses for the beast
Lay here with me
Here with me

With You, Again

I know, I've back-peddled. But I didn't do this on a whim. I made a touch decision. I listened to my heart. I only hope that she won't fail me. I'm not sure how much more my mind can take.

I just have to forgive you for what you've done and so far, it's been very, very difficult. It consumes me some days. Some mornings I wake up and look at myself in the mirror and all I can see are their faces....those other girls. I hate one of them so badly sometimes it scares me. I've never felt hatred like that before. It's something I am releasing day by day. I imagine in my mind talking to her face to face, but on other days I forget her name.

Tori's song doesn't apply in this case - she isn't pieces of me that you've never seen. She's an empty shell. I think that was what you were looking for, something easy. The good stuff, the real stuff, is never easy. This won't be easy.

Here I am with you, again.

Thoughts Before Bed

I know others will think that I am foolish, but I must let them think what they will. The heart can influence you - in good and bad ways. I'm writing this when I should be asleep, but my mind is still racing. I've created doubts in my mind again, being my typical pessimistic self. I should be optimistic, shouldn't I? This is what I wanted, wasn't it? Isn't it? I'm not supposed to allow myself to have regrets and not giving it a go, a real go, would leave me with regrets.

And even know you haven't shown your dark side for over a month, I know it still lingers there...you haven't quite slayed your dragon yet. But you are learning that he can be tamed.

Now, I must rest.

In Reverse

I started this blog in June thinking I'd leave you - I'd step back and cut any ties that I had with you. And look at us now - a complete role reversal. Sometimes I step outside of myself and ask, "What are you doing? You're just going to be hurt again." I can't leave behind an entire year that easily - I don't know if we've come full circle...I'm still testing the waters very carefully. I take what you give me and don't ask for very much, and you've given so much lately? It confuses me - it's odd to be confused by kindness and caring. Am I like a wounded animal, accepting your kindness so very cautiously, in a defensive position?

A year ago you began showing your other side...things started to go downhill, and then up, and then down again finally leading to the events of last December. You've changed me in so many ways I cannot even write them all down, I cannot even fathom them all in my head. You've changed me in good ways, and in bad ways. I'm back to myself again, no longer weakened by my love for you, but instead I find strength that I realized that I could live without you.

Once I realized that I almost felt at peace...and then you waltzed back into my life again. We've spent every weekend together since the beginning of July. This is by your request - we've spent every Tuesday evening together in which you've made me dinner. You've asked me to live with you, and I have made 90% of the decision I need to make. I've told you I've already decided, and yes I have, but part of me, that wounded animal, hides in a corner wondering if it's the right decision.

I guess only time will tell. I'm diving in head first again. Do I need to change the name of this blog? Are we moving backwards (in reverse), or are we moving forward?

Wise Up

It's not going to stop until you wise up.

Tired...

Just tired.

Tired.

Let Down

I don't get my hopes up with you. I always prepare myself for disappointment. I spent the weekend with you. You said you still loved me, but I'm still prepared to be let down.

Makes it easier that way.

(The flat tire should've been the clue.)

The whole premise of this "blog" was to document me starting a new chapter in my life. Yes, it's a new chapter, but you're still in my life. Whether this is due to fate, or some sort of grand farce, I don't know.

I turned my phone off tonight. I know I'll end up turning it back on ... but for not, I cannot talk to you.

Plans

"I'll make you dinner once a week."

"Do you want to come with me to see the Flugtag on the 19th?"

He makes plans. He wants to make plans.

I turned down a date with someone else. Granted, I wasn't attracted to him, but I turned it down.

I turned it down because of the plans.

It's No Less Intense

It's no less intense, even after parting. I found myself lying in his arms again at three o'clock in the morning, slightly inebriated from cheap vodka. He feels warm and familiar, and I kiss him passionately. We just touch and lie intertwined as if we had never parted. It's no less intense; a bit of alcohol cannot make up for passion. I felt it again.

He took out his old cell phone to show me the text messages that were shared a year ago. (I had my first date with him exactly a year ago, at this moment in time sitting in a movie theater feeling nervous and awkward.)

Why is he doing this? I feel my heart sink, but rise at the same time. Is that even possible?

He shows me the messages matter-of-factly, and reminisces... and at the same time quizzing me to make sure I remember as well.

Who stole the first kiss? It was me. You were not feeling well that night, but I kissed you any way.

And then we laid in each other's arms. I remembered how fast your heart beats; it always made me nervous to hear a heart pound so intensely.

And after a year, it's no less intense.

The More I Know..

I hate you. It's as simple as that. I loathe and despise you and everything you stand for, yet I still care about you. Who is the fool? The more I know about you, the less I like you.

Best of Luck with That

I know that you slept with Roxie. I'm not stupid. It was obvious back in May - it's even more obvious now. Why I even care is beyond my comprehension at this point. I know that she gave you the antibiotics for the "illness" that you had that I warned you not to take (as I know she is a nurse.) (And again, Levaquin is not to be taken lightly, dear.) Why bother lying? Yet you do anyway. I know why your "Ex" left you. She didn't cheat on you, you cheated on her, but yet you fabricate the lies, turn the tables and blame others for your grief.

I still talk to you and I can't understand why. Why do I bother? Why? I'm going away for the weekend. I hope that you don't call me, because I have no intentions of calling you. Go "hide in your hole" wrapped in your depression that you find so comforting, in the negative Karma that you permeate on a daily basis. Keep blaming your problems on everyone else, instead of taking responsibility for them.

Best of luck with that.

P.S. I'm reading again. You always made me feel ashamed that I am "book smart," that I dare to expand my mind through what could be called literature. I'm finishing "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle." It's beyond your reading comprehension skills so I shall not dare to provide a synopsis. You would be bored of it anyway.

I stopped reading it when I began dating you. Now, I will finish it.

Thank You, Flu.

I think having the flu cleared you (partially) from my system.

(Some boys like to think they're the flu when they're just an achoo...)

Still

You said you wanted me back, and I took a deep breath and remained still. You called me, "Baby."

I remained still.

Time

Time needs to pass. More time. Then, maybe things will be a bit more clear. I think about you when I wake in the morning, and when I fall asleep at night. I can't understand why anymore, but I still do. It's a habit. No matter how hard I try to break it, I fall back into it...you want time and I want time. At least we can agree on that.

Today

It's quiet tonight. I'm home alone again. I watched The Hours tonight, a movie I have not seen in quite awhile.

I met you for lunch today. We sat and talked in the cool mid-morning breeze, just after a rainstorm. You wouldn't take your sunglasses off. You wore a red shirt and ate nothing, only smoking cigarettes.

Could a summer of happiness make up for months of unhappiness, for this unhappiness? I asked myself that this evening, looking in the mirror. A pale figure looked back at me, blinked her eyes and answered, "yes" very plainly, as if she already knew the answer before I posed the question. She didn't hesitate. She never does.

Sometimes I wonder if I made you up.

I don't know.

I talked to you today because I'm an idiot. I didn't say anything in particular to you; I said that I was in the hospital for other reasons .... not pertaining to you.

I don't know why. I don't know - I look in the mirror and ask myself "Why" over and over again, but I've yet to find a solid answer that explains it. I'm home alone tonight and instead of savoring it, I'm pacing around, consumed by my thoughts.

I shouldn't have picked up the phone.

Fate has plans she just doesn't wish to reveal at this time. She keeps me hanging by a thread.

Five Hours in the E.R.

I spent five hours in the E.R. tonight partially because of you. I just wanted you to know that. I'll be on antibiotics for a week. Someone stamp "stupid" across my forehead for two weeks ago. Or was it three weeks? I don't care to remember anymore.

Did you get it from Roxie? Or how about another one of your bar hoes? You're going to rot away in bars, rum pouring from your pores - you'll be famous for rotting away in bars. Isn't there something else better to be famous for? I'll never forget the look on the bouncer's face that night. He pities you, just as he pities any other alcoholic who sees his disease but makes a million excuses about getting help.

Very cruel, very pedestrian - all of your lies. I've a medication to cure some of them.

One Quote Before Bed

"What he did was all so pedestrian, common, dirty, and cruel--mostly cruel. "

Silence

No calls, no text messages..nothing. I should savor this, but part of me isn't. Part of me wonders what you're doing right now...the other part recites the months of lies over and over again like some sort of fanatical religious chant. It's a constant inner battle that wages throughout the day, only interrupted when I must concentrate solely on work, or on the entanglements of others. I see and hear their problems and realize that I could have it worse...but then again I lost an idea.

I lost a figment of my imagination. Did you ever exist? The man I met almost a year ago....the man who swept me off my feet. I think it's a lie that you claim he still exists. I think if you had the chance, you'd murder him with your own seething hatred and anger.

I think I made you up inside my head.

It's quiet tonight, perfect for introspection..all I can hear is the mellow chirp of the crickets outside my window. I wonder if it's just as quiet over across the causeway where you are - and if you're sitting on your porch enjoying a cigarette.

You 'texted' me at 6:15 and I ignored it.

I'm trying to stay strong ... and when I do feel weak, I pick up the phone and call someone else. Today I called dad and wished him a Happy Father's day.

I've been watching too much of Grey's Anatomy. It's keeping my mind busy while I try to forget.

The Lies Pile Up

I tossed and turned last night wondering if I would receive yet another drunken phone call at 3 AM, from you stumbling around Tampa trying to get home on foot. Last weekend's was quite enough, with your story about getting mugged and stabbed. I imagine you lost your temper, dropped your phone, and when you got home in one of your suicidal fits, you tried cutting yourself again. I've seen you do it more than once. It's terrible I can't believe anything that comes out of your mouth - that is how much you lie. You lie about small, everyday things, and then you lie about the more important things - those are ones that get to me the most. I wonder how many other women you've slept with since January..and when I wonder it makes me sick to my stomach.

Look at me - here at 9:30 AM still tossing and turning in my own way, trying to settle down....this state of mind I am in is a mess. I know there are going to be bad days ahead, like last Friday night, when your depression overcame me. I have to be strong and not let it happen again, but I have to be realistic and know that it will.

After all I've done to you I'm sure you've got quite the lies about me. I'd hate to even know, as you lie about everyone. You lie about people you love, hate, dislike, fear, and tolerate. You lie about yourself, you lie to yourself. Don't you even feel the lies anymore, or have you told so many that it just feels natural? There is a thing called Karma whether you believe in it or not - it's catching up with you. I don't even have to lift a finger. I can't save you - only you can save yourself now.

There is good help out there that is either free, or at a reasonable cost, and you know that. You've tried it before - if you were telling me the truth to begin with back in December. Try it again.

And so it begins..

I let you go last night, even if it seems temporary. I asked you to leave my life so that I can heal, so that I pick up the pieces. A moment hasn't passed today that I have not thought of you and I hate myself for it. There's that cliche about how time heals all wounds, but I could have healed by now. I should have let you go back in December when we broke up, but I had to be stubborn. I had to still love you. I'm miserable right now, but I know it will pass. This is where a new chapter begins. I don't know what it will bring, but it's something new and that is what I need right now.