This One is My Fault, and Dragon-Slaying

I got to her 'myspace,' and hers as well. I think about them more than I should, mostly when I am sitting here alone pondering what shouldn't be pondered. I always knew I was one to not let go of jealousy easily. I almost let it consume me for awhile, not it's more pedestrian..more out of curiosity. My mind just keeps wandering, and that is when I get into trouble. This jealousy is my fault.

I'm piecing together my trust again, the trust you shattered. It's bit by bit, but so far I've made steps forward. It's getting better. You haven't drank since your birthday in August. You said you did this for me, but please tell me that you have done it for yourself. I'm certainly proud of you, but I also know you haven't slayed your dragon just yet.

I used to listen to "Dragon" by Tori Amos over and over again on morning commutes back on the East coast during those dark times. The lyrics reminded me of you. I wondered if pleading to you to rid yourself of your demons would work, if my love was enough to get you to move forward. I almost prayed that it would, even though I've never been one to pray. I wondered if I could calm the dragon within you.

Stay awhile
Why don't you
Stay awhile
Stay awhile

Stay awhile
Cause your wild card Boy needs playing
Don't believe the lie
Your Dragon needs slaying

Won't you lay here with me
And I will bring
Kisses for the beast
Lay here with me
Here with me

With You, Again

I know, I've back-peddled. But I didn't do this on a whim. I made a touch decision. I listened to my heart. I only hope that she won't fail me. I'm not sure how much more my mind can take.

I just have to forgive you for what you've done and so far, it's been very, very difficult. It consumes me some days. Some mornings I wake up and look at myself in the mirror and all I can see are their faces....those other girls. I hate one of them so badly sometimes it scares me. I've never felt hatred like that before. It's something I am releasing day by day. I imagine in my mind talking to her face to face, but on other days I forget her name.

Tori's song doesn't apply in this case - she isn't pieces of me that you've never seen. She's an empty shell. I think that was what you were looking for, something easy. The good stuff, the real stuff, is never easy. This won't be easy.

Here I am with you, again.