Distant Memories

You become more and more of a distant memory, and I am not averse to this whatsoever. My subconscious has been playing tricks on me, planting you in my dreams, but I have to resist. You're always crawling back into my life. Please do not let these dreams have any relevance. Hope you're enjoying your Craigslist girlfriend and her three children, you shadow of a man.

Gone

You are gone, out of my life. The circle is complete. I made the correct decision. Such a long story to tell, full of twists and turns that seem too far-fetched for real life - they must be fiction? But no, it all happened. From July onward we went downhill..and I didn't make a deal with the universe this time. I let it go. I opened the wound and let it bleed out. You'll never hurt me again, you will never consume me again. What pity I have for you and your foolish mindset, your even more foolish family that goes around believing your lies.

And you've already found someone new. I'd like to say a few things to her, but then again - no one was there to save me. I'll let her figure it out for herself.

You stopped drinking, but you never rid yourself of your addiction.

Forty-Five Days

Forty-five days will decide our fate.

That's all the time that there is.

It will slip away so easily.

Untitled

Basking in your misery, I think you enjoy it by now. Without misery you wouldn't be who you are. You're so afraid to be happy you won't even dabble. You're so afraid someone will take it away from you, so you sit in misery. You sit alone.

You always lie straight to my face because you believe the lie, but I will see through it. I'm trained to see the lies. I've seen yours, and I'm sure I will see more again. I can do hyper-vigilance, baby. It's my specialty. I'm always one step ahead.

Middle Ground

I know I can be a difficult person to deal with. I try. Really, I do. This impatience is strangely ingrained in me. We are two of the most stubborn people on this planet. You usually back down and let me have my way. I guess we need to find a middle ground.

Limits

I can't live with such uncertainty. I've fought so hard to get where I am...I can't go back to the way I used to live. I can't do it and I won't. I'm pressing my limits right now.

Let Go of the Past

I still cling to certain things, as foolish as it seems.

I look at her face and I seethe with the most primordial anger that must have been inherited from the days when humans were far less....graceful. I told her what I wanted to say for a year. Sure, it made me stoop closer to her level, but I despise her. I loathe her. I detest her. I wish I could erase her from my mind, from my internal map. But she is imprinted there.

Her name: Kristin. It makes me cringe. I meet a new Kristin with the same spelling and my mind pauses.

Images of her are strewn about on this map, like some sort of sick scrapbook album. I see that photo of her on your cell phone from a year ago. She dyed her hair brown.

I can still see that photo clearly in my mind..asleep in your bed. What frivolous, teenage thoughts must have been passing through her sleepy mind? Spare me, please. I slept in that same spot and I felt less intelligent for it, as if the imprint she left behind could suck out I.Q. points, one by one.

Why do I despise her more than the others? You lied to me all the same. She's only a different face, albeit an annoying juvenile face. I imagine the vapid conversations she maintains with her teeny under-twenty-one friends. I think of that annoying face she makes in all of the photos taken of her - that scrunching of her lips and eyes as if she's trying to smile, but instead looks as if she's about to implode.

I'll let go soon, or I fear for my sanity. Scorpios are known for their jealousy. I'm known for my lack of trust and natural ability to assume the worst. I keep thinking: you've lied to me before? Are you going to lie to me again? Do I look that foolish?

Let go of the past. Let go of her face, her whining, her childish ways..her muffin top. Let go.

I will, eventually.

We've Made it This Far

Ups and downs. More ups. We're OK. Maybe we will be OK. I hope so. We've made it this far.

The past still haunts me. I need to release it and the jealousy it brings. I don't take betrayal that well. I'm afraid I'll hold onto it for too long, and then never be able to let it go.