Best of Luck with That

I know that you slept with Roxie. I'm not stupid. It was obvious back in May - it's even more obvious now. Why I even care is beyond my comprehension at this point. I know that she gave you the antibiotics for the "illness" that you had that I warned you not to take (as I know she is a nurse.) (And again, Levaquin is not to be taken lightly, dear.) Why bother lying? Yet you do anyway. I know why your "Ex" left you. She didn't cheat on you, you cheated on her, but yet you fabricate the lies, turn the tables and blame others for your grief.

I still talk to you and I can't understand why. Why do I bother? Why? I'm going away for the weekend. I hope that you don't call me, because I have no intentions of calling you. Go "hide in your hole" wrapped in your depression that you find so comforting, in the negative Karma that you permeate on a daily basis. Keep blaming your problems on everyone else, instead of taking responsibility for them.

Best of luck with that.

P.S. I'm reading again. You always made me feel ashamed that I am "book smart," that I dare to expand my mind through what could be called literature. I'm finishing "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle." It's beyond your reading comprehension skills so I shall not dare to provide a synopsis. You would be bored of it anyway.

I stopped reading it when I began dating you. Now, I will finish it.

Thank You, Flu.

I think having the flu cleared you (partially) from my system.

(Some boys like to think they're the flu when they're just an achoo...)

Still

You said you wanted me back, and I took a deep breath and remained still. You called me, "Baby."

I remained still.

Time

Time needs to pass. More time. Then, maybe things will be a bit more clear. I think about you when I wake in the morning, and when I fall asleep at night. I can't understand why anymore, but I still do. It's a habit. No matter how hard I try to break it, I fall back into it...you want time and I want time. At least we can agree on that.

Today

It's quiet tonight. I'm home alone again. I watched The Hours tonight, a movie I have not seen in quite awhile.

I met you for lunch today. We sat and talked in the cool mid-morning breeze, just after a rainstorm. You wouldn't take your sunglasses off. You wore a red shirt and ate nothing, only smoking cigarettes.

Could a summer of happiness make up for months of unhappiness, for this unhappiness? I asked myself that this evening, looking in the mirror. A pale figure looked back at me, blinked her eyes and answered, "yes" very plainly, as if she already knew the answer before I posed the question. She didn't hesitate. She never does.

Sometimes I wonder if I made you up.

I don't know.

I talked to you today because I'm an idiot. I didn't say anything in particular to you; I said that I was in the hospital for other reasons .... not pertaining to you.

I don't know why. I don't know - I look in the mirror and ask myself "Why" over and over again, but I've yet to find a solid answer that explains it. I'm home alone tonight and instead of savoring it, I'm pacing around, consumed by my thoughts.

I shouldn't have picked up the phone.

Fate has plans she just doesn't wish to reveal at this time. She keeps me hanging by a thread.

Five Hours in the E.R.

I spent five hours in the E.R. tonight partially because of you. I just wanted you to know that. I'll be on antibiotics for a week. Someone stamp "stupid" across my forehead for two weeks ago. Or was it three weeks? I don't care to remember anymore.

Did you get it from Roxie? Or how about another one of your bar hoes? You're going to rot away in bars, rum pouring from your pores - you'll be famous for rotting away in bars. Isn't there something else better to be famous for? I'll never forget the look on the bouncer's face that night. He pities you, just as he pities any other alcoholic who sees his disease but makes a million excuses about getting help.

Very cruel, very pedestrian - all of your lies. I've a medication to cure some of them.

One Quote Before Bed

"What he did was all so pedestrian, common, dirty, and cruel--mostly cruel. "

Silence

No calls, no text messages..nothing. I should savor this, but part of me isn't. Part of me wonders what you're doing right now...the other part recites the months of lies over and over again like some sort of fanatical religious chant. It's a constant inner battle that wages throughout the day, only interrupted when I must concentrate solely on work, or on the entanglements of others. I see and hear their problems and realize that I could have it worse...but then again I lost an idea.

I lost a figment of my imagination. Did you ever exist? The man I met almost a year ago....the man who swept me off my feet. I think it's a lie that you claim he still exists. I think if you had the chance, you'd murder him with your own seething hatred and anger.

I think I made you up inside my head.

It's quiet tonight, perfect for introspection..all I can hear is the mellow chirp of the crickets outside my window. I wonder if it's just as quiet over across the causeway where you are - and if you're sitting on your porch enjoying a cigarette.

You 'texted' me at 6:15 and I ignored it.

I'm trying to stay strong ... and when I do feel weak, I pick up the phone and call someone else. Today I called dad and wished him a Happy Father's day.

I've been watching too much of Grey's Anatomy. It's keeping my mind busy while I try to forget.

The Lies Pile Up

I tossed and turned last night wondering if I would receive yet another drunken phone call at 3 AM, from you stumbling around Tampa trying to get home on foot. Last weekend's was quite enough, with your story about getting mugged and stabbed. I imagine you lost your temper, dropped your phone, and when you got home in one of your suicidal fits, you tried cutting yourself again. I've seen you do it more than once. It's terrible I can't believe anything that comes out of your mouth - that is how much you lie. You lie about small, everyday things, and then you lie about the more important things - those are ones that get to me the most. I wonder how many other women you've slept with since January..and when I wonder it makes me sick to my stomach.

Look at me - here at 9:30 AM still tossing and turning in my own way, trying to settle down....this state of mind I am in is a mess. I know there are going to be bad days ahead, like last Friday night, when your depression overcame me. I have to be strong and not let it happen again, but I have to be realistic and know that it will.

After all I've done to you I'm sure you've got quite the lies about me. I'd hate to even know, as you lie about everyone. You lie about people you love, hate, dislike, fear, and tolerate. You lie about yourself, you lie to yourself. Don't you even feel the lies anymore, or have you told so many that it just feels natural? There is a thing called Karma whether you believe in it or not - it's catching up with you. I don't even have to lift a finger. I can't save you - only you can save yourself now.

There is good help out there that is either free, or at a reasonable cost, and you know that. You've tried it before - if you were telling me the truth to begin with back in December. Try it again.

And so it begins..

I let you go last night, even if it seems temporary. I asked you to leave my life so that I can heal, so that I pick up the pieces. A moment hasn't passed today that I have not thought of you and I hate myself for it. There's that cliche about how time heals all wounds, but I could have healed by now. I should have let you go back in December when we broke up, but I had to be stubborn. I had to still love you. I'm miserable right now, but I know it will pass. This is where a new chapter begins. I don't know what it will bring, but it's something new and that is what I need right now.